Tonight Was A Happy Night!

Oh, the joys of the internet.
Tonight was a stellar night.
This is Lex.
And, well, me.

I know I didn't show it so well but OMG!
I was so incredibly happy!
I don't care what YOU call it..
I say it's love.

And if you know anything about me..
I'm so anti-love, it's hardly funny.


Anyways, I got to talk to him on MSN tonight.
I had to hold back tears and ignore the lump in my throat.
He didn't notice. Which is okay by me.

But when he says shit like this:

well, it's hardly a joke for me.
I about died from sheer happiness.
It's just not fair to me.
He says the sweetest things to me..
but has no intention of loving me.
I guess I'm just a magnet for heartbreak!


<3

Dear Lex.

Have you lost hope in all humanity.. or just me?
I know it's stupid but, despite your negativity towards a possible relationship with me, I'm still in love with you. Yeah, I dropped the 'L' word. -sigh-

I don't even know WHY I care. I just do.
There's something about you that just makes me smile.
Your smile (despite it's rarity) makes me feel right in the world. It kinda stops my heart a little and makes me re-think this shitty life.
Your voice seems to vibrate through me. It makes me stop so I can listen better.
Your laugh brightens my worst day.
It makes that lump in my throat bigger and harder to swallow.

I know "love" won't FIX everything. But it might make me feel better for a while.

And I know you're dragging your feet to spare me/ my feelings from the hurt when you leave for Afghanistan. But I'm going to worry about you even though we're not dating. We're friends at the very least. Friends worry about each other. I wish you'd realize that.


Through all these years, I kept you in the back of my brain. I often caught myself wondering if you were having an okay day or if you were happy with your life. I wanted to call you so many times just to hear your voice. But I knew you weren't the guy I wanted you to be. You would never be mine, not really. I'll never forget Tri-C. The ANV + Lex. T's jar of dirt (breaking). You sleeping outside our tent.. when we were sleeping in our undies.. Those phone calls late at night. You.


You're one of the reasons I smile.
I wish you'd give in to your emotions.
And I know the Army won't let you.
But I miss that part of you.
I miss the way you'd make me feel alive.

I'd die to see you again, just once more.
One more day is all I need.
Life would feel right again and maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to pull myself out of this sick, dragging feeling. The one that tells me to sleep more because dreams are better than this reality I'm forced to be in. I feel like the life is being sucked right out of me and nothing is right in this world. I can't remember why it's good to smile. I'm not even sure if I have a real smile anymore -- I've been faking it for so long.

Where did we go wrong? What made you so distant with me? I hate this silence. I hate that you're in the Army. I hate that you're going overseas. I hate that you don't care that I feel this way.

Love.

People say they want to know the meaning of love. I already know.

Love is when you can't get somebody out of your head. They're the first thing you think about in the morning, and the last thought that crosses your mind before you say your prayers and pull your covers over your head at night. Maybe it's not actually a feeling in your heart, but it's constantly in your head. Love is being upset because that special person is hurting. Love is worrying about them, even if they're in no obvious danger. Love is putting your neck out there even with the chance that you'll get hurt.

Love is family.

Love is friendship.

Love your family.

Love your friendships.

You never know how long you'll have them in your life.