C'est la vie!

How you choose to live will define who you are.
The only question is.. who ARE you?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Dear Lex.

Have you lost hope in all humanity.. or just me?
I know it's stupid but, despite your negativity towards a possible relationship with me, I'm still in love with you. Yeah, I dropped the 'L' word. -sigh-

I don't even know WHY I care. I just do.
There's something about you that just makes me smile.
Your smile (despite it's rarity) makes me feel right in the world. It kinda stops my heart a little and makes me re-think this shitty life.
Your voice seems to vibrate through me. It makes me stop so I can listen better.
Your laugh brightens my worst day.
It makes that lump in my throat bigger and harder to swallow.

I know "love" won't FIX everything. But it might make me feel better for a while.

And I know you're dragging your feet to spare me/ my feelings from the hurt when you leave for Afghanistan. But I'm going to worry about you even though we're not dating. We're friends at the very least. Friends worry about each other. I wish you'd realize that.

Through all these years, I kept you in the back of my brain. I often caught myself wondering if you were having an okay day or if you were happy with your life. I wanted to call you so many times just to hear your voice. But I knew you weren't the guy I wanted you to be. You would never be mine, not really. I'll never forget Tri-C. The ANV + Lex. T's jar of dirt (breaking). You sleeping outside our tent.. when we were sleeping in our undies.. Those phone calls late at night. You.

You're one of the reasons I smile.
I wish you'd give in to your emotions.
And I know the Army won't let you.
But I miss that part of you.
I miss the way you'd make me feel alive.

I'd die to see you again, just once more.
One more day is all I need.
Life would feel right again and maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to pull myself out of this sick, dragging feeling. The one that tells me to sleep more because dreams are better than this reality I'm forced to be in. I feel like the life is being sucked right out of me and nothing is right in this world. I can't remember why it's good to smile. I'm not even sure if I have a real smile anymore -- I've been faking it for so long.

Where did we go wrong? What made you so distant with me? I hate this silence. I hate that you're in the Army. I hate that you're going overseas. I hate that you don't care that I feel this way.

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